Deep Thoughts
Hi everyone, i haven't really been writing lately, on here or in my journal. it seems like every time my period gets near i start to get more mute. My head is just  louder... for me i feel deeply. I feel like a character in a book, not a main character, but a side character that is the one who gets dumped and is always misunderstood. I've never had friends, and when i thought i had one i was wrong. People in real life seem so cruel. Why are people so quick to judge what they don't know? what's different? I've never understood that. As one of my favorite Philosophers said " The more you understand this world, the more you destroy yourself. That's why fools are happy, and intelligent people live in loneliness."- Fyodor  Dostoevsky 
Anyways i feel this deep loneliness when I'm on my period. I have a beautiful family but sometimes i feel like with a Husband and Son they wont ever understand my deep depression on my period lol. The loneliness isn't from wanting friends or missing my sister or grandma, its feeling like i will never be understood by anyone with my thinking i come off weird a lot of the time i look sad and miserable just my resting face but still, maybe too much Dostoevsky as a kid ? 
My son is getting older guys idk what to do. Especially with learning and stuff i don't trust day cares and i don't trust babysitters. What do i teach him and how do i ? Sometimes I'm scared he's weird like me.... Thankfully my husband is a normal smart thinking working man of society. me i feel like i don't even belong in this world. I feel like everyone is fake, I watch behind the scenes, i listen, i watch, i remember. Watching the everyone destroy the world and stand back wondering why the state of the World has completely lost it. they have sense the early 1900s as i have been reading the last months. I've done hours of studying to know this world before i step out into it. Anywaysssss enough of my lil psychosis i had there uhhhh well honestly the last month has been rough, i feel just so much mental and physical exhaustion. Our son has been really getting CRAZYYYYY i swear back and forth all day i cant catch my breath. lollll I'm laughing bc i just thought that that's why i lost so much weight sense we moved here lollll that and food lately looks disgusting..... THE TEXTURE IS FOWL. 

    Tonight's plan after our son goes to sleep and the hour or two i have before my husband gets home from work i will watch dexter and study some more. I am self learning.... The topics are 

• quantum antimanagement..... i know i know 
• coding. i just finished html pretty good i want to program so badddd i ordered a screen and a raspberry pi, and i just got a soldering kit so I'm overly excited This is extremely new... i need HELP NO AI 
• calculus... well things to get me to a better understanding in physics 
• and not studying but I'm on a finding banned book hunt and i want to find all the books i lost in the flood of one of my childhood homes. 

I've been cycling the stem self-studies sense i was younger, i don't know why but it draws to me. Its so fascinating. Oh also i am trying new crochet ideas for my shop!! I'm so excited to really try again. Today was actually a really good day, rough start but my husband the sweet amazing man he is saved the day againnnn. I really miss him, i swear it feels off after he has a day off of work. i just want a fun night wit him its always so full of daytime stress from both sides. Inshallah tonight is a calm loving night. we both need it. anyways i think i might make a tab for my random emotional rants, sometimes i need it lol .